Today we received some heartbreaking news. It is not my story to share, nor do I know enough of the details to explain, but my heart is broken.
You always go through a whole range of emotions when you hear bad news. Right now I am trying to understand why (which I know I will probably never know the answer). I feel helpless because there is nothing I can do, and I feel guilty because I am not the one suffering.
You're always told not to take things for granted because it could all be taken away in an instant. I know this is true, but who really lives this out daily? Unless you're experiencing loss yourself, it seems like such a distant thing. I feel completely selfish for not taking time to thank God for everything that he has given to me from the small things that seem to be meaningless, to the things that are so obvious I'm blinded to them. When was the last time I thanked God for my amazing husband and precious son, or this little guy on the way? Instead I pray about all things that frustrate me and beg for more patience. Pretty pathetic when I think about it.
I guess I'm being reminded of how distant I've become. Not that I've strayed and gone off the deep end or something, but in my everyday life, I've forgotten Him. At a time when I'm hurting and want to offer Him to other who are hurting too, He's not as close as I have led myself to believe. Of course He didn't move... I did that on my own.
I'm still heartbroken, but I am thankful that I love a God I can reach out to, ask for forgiveness, and trust that He will open His arms and allow me to rest in His comfort.
Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer.
From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe.
I long to dwell in your tent forever
And take refuge in the shelter of your wings.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
I probably don't have any reason for disappering on here, being I'm on bedrest and everything, but I guess I just haven't had much to say or had any fun new projects to post about.
I had an OB appointment on Tuesday, and an ultrasound. I am no longer on strict bed rest, but am not really supposed to do anything either. I guess I think of it as being allowed to sit some instead of strictly laying flat. The baby is still measuring big... over 6 lbs to be exact!!! I am 33 weeks right now, so if I go to 40 weeks I am looking at having a 10 lb baby. Anthony was 7 lbs 10oz, bigger than expected, and the dr says I won't be able to deliver a baby much bigger. SO, they're going to do another ultrasound in 3 weeks and see how things are looking. Then we'll discuss a plan from there. I want to avoid a C-section if at all possible. My body does NOT heal quickly and in past surgeries I've always reacted poorly to the meds they give you. So being induced early may be an option, especially since Anthony was only a 6 hour labor. They don't really want me going into labor at home since I am likely to have a very fast labor. I am very ready to be done being pregnant and hope it will be safe for me to deliver soon.
Here's a sneak peak at the sweet little guy growing inside of me... reminds me this is all worth it :)